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When a man talks dirty to a women it's sexual harassment.
When a women talks dirty to a man it's $1.99 a minute.
Sex is like hacking, you go in and out and hope you don't leave a trace.
A lady sat on my Laptop, I laid her on my Desktop and RAMmed my Hardware into her Software. After lots of Input and Output, I finally downloaded. Now I sit with a floppy.
There is a new virus: Viagra! It turns your 3.5" floppy into a hard drive!
Q: What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A: Kermit's Finger.
Q: What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q: What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q: What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Q: What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.
Q: How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A: If the girl has to chew before she swallows.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: What's the biggest fish in the world?
A: A whore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Q: What do a Rubix Cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q: What three words ruin a man's ego?
A: "Is it in?"
Q: What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A: Nobody eats parsley.
Q: How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean.
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Don't say these things to a man with a small penis:
01. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
02. Aww, it's cute.
03. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
04. I'm sorry.
05. Who circumcised you?
06. Why don't we just cuddle?
07. You know they have surgery to fix that.
08. It's more fun to look at.
09. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (Giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does this run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!!
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Don't hold back.
71. Nevermind, why bother.
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.
When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess.
The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."
So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.
The husband says, "I can deal with that."
He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! You are small, but I love you anyway."
The husband says, "I have something to confess also."
She says, "No matter what I will still love you."
He says, "Okay. I am built like a baby down there."
She says, "I can deal with that."
So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.
She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"
He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing.
The next morning, they were called to appear in court.
The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me guess, you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."
A little girl and her mother are walking through a park,
and they see two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl asks her mother what they're are doing.
After a moments hesitation, the mother replies "They're making cakes."
The next day the little girl and her mother go to the zoo.
The little girl sees two monkeys having sex,
and again asks her mother what they are doing.
The mother again uses the same answer "They're making cakes."
The next morning the little girl says to her mother
"Mommy, You and Daddy were making cakes on the lounge last night."
The Mother replies "How do you know?"
The girl says "I licked the icing off the sofa!"
A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?", he asked.
"Yes, I am."
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him to come closer,
then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying,
"I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and
seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of
his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting
for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his
shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful... I had tennis elbow once."
A lady about eight months preganant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but to notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The double Mint Twins are coming" and grinned.
Then she moved ans sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the
swelling" and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said,
"William's Big Stick did the trick"
and i could hardly contain myself.
But Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that read,
"Goodyear rubber could have prevented this" I couln't contain myself.
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.
"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during
your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to
tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I
motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put
his plan to work.
"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones
mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "If you stick that thing in me one more
time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
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