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Misc. Computer Sayings:
Home is where you hang your @.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
C: is the root of all directories.
Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
A chat has nine lives.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Windows will never cease.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
There's no place like home.com.
Know what to expect before you connect.
Oh, what a tangled website we weave.
The 10 Commandments in Ebonics:
01. I be god. Don' be dissin' me.
02. Don' be makin' hood ornaments outta me or nothin' in my crib.
03. Don' be callin' me for no reason - homey don' play dat.
04. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
05. Don' dis ya mama an' if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him neither.
06. Don' ice ya bros.
07. Stick to ya own woman.
08. Don' be liftin' no goods.
09. Don' be frontin' like you all that an' no snitchin' on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin'.
The Ali G Bible
'ear me now. Me 'ave found dis book called de Bible wot is 100 years old.
It was writted by dis bloke called Jason Christ and his dad. It have no
pictures and definitely no muff. Trust me, it is well boring.
It come in two halves, da Old Testicle and da New Testicle, wot is
apparently religious and people 'ave been fighting for millions of
years about which testicle is da best. Anyway, about 2 billion years
ago dis bloke called Moses went up a mountain in Spain and dropped two
tablets. Dey must have been class A's coz he came down wiv some
seriously mental ideaz. Dey was called Da 10 Commandments, an dey iz 13
laws dat has been da basis of society ever since. Even da dinosaurs 'ad
to learn them altho very few of dem actually practisd dem an dat iz why dey
died of de A.I.D.S. an also why Jurassic Park appened. Ere is wot dey say
(Not de dinosaurs hobviously coz dey spoke in Dog.)
Da old Commandments:
1) I am the Lord, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
2) Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
3) Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.
4) Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. On the seventh day thou shalt not work.
5) Honour thy Father and thy Mother.
6) Thou shalt not kill.
7) Thou shalt not commit adultery.
8) Thou shalt not steal.
9) Thou shalt not bear false witness.
10) Thou shalt not covert thy neighbour's ass.
I has now remixed dem for da new ali millenium.
Da New Commandments:
1) I iz da macdaddy, who iz taken u out of the county of Barkshire, u iz all me hoes, an if u iz up 4 it me is well into bondage.
2) Westside.
3) Do not dis Tupac.
4) Remeber every second Friday in every moth coz dat iz when me hold de jungle all-nita at de Crooked Billet in Iver Heath - 5 squid on da door, first 1000 ladies free.
5) Respec your Nan.
6) Thou shalt not do drive-bys.
7) Thou shalt not commit adultery (unless she iz well fit).
8) Thou shalt not deal.
9) Thou shalt not wear false titties.
10) Thou shalt not cover up thy batty (unless you iz a man or you iz a minger).
Q: What's O. J. Simpson's Internet Address?
A: Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.
Q: What's the first language you learn when learning how to program?
A: Profanity
Q: Programmer:
A: A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Q: What does Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
A: They both have very little support.
Cut-Ups
01. Wear a condom on your head 'cause if you're gonna act like a dick you might as will look like one!
02. If you have a girl let her go...if she doesn't come back, she's with me!
03. Everyone's entitled to be stupid, but you are abusing the priviledge.
Confidence
01. I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive then I realized...that suicide is a crime!
02. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm so close it scares me.
03. You laugh because I'm diffrent I laugh because you're all the same.
04. I'm not werid, I'm gifted.
Miscellaneous
01. If at first you don't succeed, hide all evidence that you tried!
02. If life throws you a lemon, duck!
03. He/She broke my heart, so I broke his/her jaw.
04. Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel its warmth.
05. Practice makes perfect, but no one is perfect so why practice?
50 Things To Do In An Elevator:
01. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
02. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
03. Slap your forehead while muttering, "Shut up damnit, all of you just shut up!"
04. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
05. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
06. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
07. Shave.
08. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
09. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. At your floor, strain to open the doors, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13. Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, open the door and demand it stay open until you hear a penny go "plink".
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "Oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger, then say, "You're one of THEM!", and move to a corner.
28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the accordion.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a square on the floor with chalk and tell the passengers that it's your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
01. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
02. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
03. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
04. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
05. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
06. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
07. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
08. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
09. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, he grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
"OK where to next?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"
What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
This is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the hell. Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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